How to Eliminate Stress from Your Life

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I’ve spent most of my life under a lot of stress. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that stress management is a pretty big deal. In short, stress can literally kill you.

In this article, I describe my theory about the underlying root cause of stress from modern day life, and suggest a way to combat it.

Over the years, I’ve followed the work of Dr. Oz Mehmet. Dr. Oz is best known for being a TV personality regularly featured on the Oprah show. In particular, I found his early work on aging fascinating. He and his colleague Dr. Roizen analyze a variety of factors that accelerate aging.

They came up with two definitions of age. There’s your biological age (defined as today’s date minus your birthday) and then there’s your “real age.” Your real age is your biological age adjusted for lifestyle factors.

I don’t remember the exact numbers, but if you smoked, your real age = your biological age + 4 years. So a 60-year-old smoker has a “real age" of 64 years old.

As I was reading through the chart showing the various adjustments factors, I noticed that most negative lifestyle traits — lack of exercise, smoking, lack of sleep, eating poorly, drinking alcohol excessively — would cause you to artificially age by 2 to 4 years for each risk factor.

In scanning that chart, there was one massive outlier. There was one risk factor that would cause one to age not just 2 years, 4 years, 6 years or even 10 years. This one risk factor could cause you to age up to 17 years!

This factor was by far the single biggest contributor to artificial aging. The second biggest risk factor would only age you by 5 years.

What was the single biggest cause of artificial aging?

Answer:

STRESS

In particular, chronic stress — the kind that never seems to go away — will pretty much kill you faster than smoking, doing drugs, going on alcohol binges, not eating your vegetables combined.

That got my attention several years ago.

Before I share my working theory on the root cause of stress, let me explain some concepts regarding how stress is characterized. Yes, if you think I’m going to segment stress... you are right!

There are two kinds of segmentation patterns for stress.

The first is acute vs. chronic. Acute stress is when you have a sudden and very temporary stressor. An example would be if you were physically chased by a lion. Your fight or flight instinctive responses would kick in, you would experience enormous stress and you would either put up the fight of your life or run like hell. (Personally I’d be doing the latter!)

Chronic stress is the kind that’s much more common in modern life. It is the kind of stress that’s continuous in nature. My theory of stress is related to this chronic kind of stress where there really is no life-threatening stressor, but we feel like there is anyway.

The other segmentation pattern for stress is physical vs. non-physical stress. If you have a major injury in your leg, and it hurts like crazy, that’s a physical stress. The non-physical kind of stress is again stress caused by your interpretation of modern day life — grades, job interviews, layoffs, paying the mortgage, etc.

If you create a 2 x 2 matrix (draw a box with 4 squares) with “acute” and “chronic” labeled across the top, and non-physical and physical labeled on the Y axis, the upper right quadrant represents non-physical chronic stress.

It’s this non-physical chronic stress that impacts virtually everyone I know and it also happens to be the kind of modern life stress that the human body was not designed to handle.

Run from a lion that wants to eat you for dinner? No problem, your body can recover from that. Need to bounce back from an inured leg? No problem, your body can handle that.

Need to check email and text messages every five minutes 18 hours a day, multi-task, hit back-to-back deadlines? Keep this up and your body begins to crumble.

To understand how to combat this kind of stress, it helps to understand why this stress exists.

Here’s my theory.

Modern day, chronic, non-physical stress has two interrelated root causes. The first is that most people do not fully appreciate that their bodies and minds have limits. You can exceed your limit some of the time and get away with it, but you can’t exceed those limits continuously without consequence.

While this is hopefully somewhat obvious and common sense, I’ve firmly come to believe that common sense is not always common practice. If you intellectually agree with this statement but then in practice completely ignore it, then you don’t “really” agree with it (enough to take action).

Next is the second root cause of stress. Why do otherwise intelligent, accomplished people who logically understand they have limits in practice completely ignore this fact?

Why do those who were nominated to become Partners at McKinsey become depressed if they don’t make it?

Why do high school students in some cultures who apply to an Ivy League school but don’t get in end up committing suicide?

(When I lived in Silicon Valley, the local high school across from the Stanford campus had 9 suicide attempts in a single year, of which 3 or 4 were successful. The kids were all throwing themselves in front of the commuter train and getting run over. What was the school's solution? To post a security guard at the train station to deter kids from jumping in front of the train. If ever there were an example of managing symptoms vs. root causes to a problem, that would be it.)

Why do we do crazy things, work crazy hours, and more or less kill ourselves to pursue some notion of success in our modern day lives?

Why do we ignore limits to the human body and mind, even when we know those limits are real?

What compels such extreme behaviors in many of us?

Here’s my theory to the root cause of the root cause of stress.

The reason we ignore our limits is because of...

FEAR

It’s my working hypothesis that all modern day, non-physical, chronic stress is rooted in FEAR.

Fear’s an interesting word because to state the obvious... well... it’s a feeling.

I remember at McKinsey pretty much nobody, myself included, would ever admit to being afraid. Yet, everyone would readily admit to being under stress.

After many years, I’ve concluded it's the same damn thing.

If you want to see management consultants under stress, look at them during the 6 months leading up to when they’re being considered for partner for the final time. They either get promoted to partner or they get fired. Those people are seriously stressed out.

Why?

Because they’re afraid they won’t make partner.

Why do students stress out about final exams?

Because they’re afraid they won’t do well.

Why is someone nervous when asking someone else out on a date?

Because they’re afraid the other person might say "no."

Why are people stressed out when there are rumors the company is doing layoffs?

Because they’re afraid of losing their jobs.

Why are aspiring consultants freaked out by the case interview?

Because they’re afraid they won’t pass the interview and won’t get a job offer.

Why do people stress out about taking the GMAT?

Because they’re afraid if their score isn’t high enough, they won’t get into the school of their choice and won’t get the job they want.

Why do people stress out when they can’t answer all their emails?

Because they’re afraid of what other people will think, say or do if they don’t get a prompt reply to their email.

Why do people get stressed out about giving a speech or presentation?

Because they don’t want to humiliate themselves in front of others.

While I can’t say with certainty that all non-physical, chronic stress comes from fear, I suspect most of it does.

This mental model of stress resonates with me. I keep trying to disprove it, but have difficulty doing so.

As I’ve been playing around with ways to reduce stress in my own life, I’ve found the following to be helpful:

STOP being afraid.

That’s it.

If you’re taking a test and you aren’t afraid of getting a bad score, there would be no reason to be stressed.

When I brush my teeth, I feel no stress because I’m not worried of a bad outcome. I haven’t gotten a cavity in 15 years. If I did, it’s not a big deal. Therefore I have no stress about brushing my teeth whatsoever.

You know what?

I also don’t have any stress about breathing. I’m not worried about what other people will think if I somehow breath incorrectly. I have no fear about it, and therefore have no stress about it either.

The key to eliminating this kind of stress is to eliminate the FEAR underlying the stress.

If there is no fear, there is no stress... period.

Now you’re probably thinking, "Well, that’s easier said than done."

True.

Before I share a step-by-step procedure for how to do this, let me introduce the concepts of control and letting go.

There’s a Christian prayer that I like a lot that speaks to this. If you’re not religious or not Christian, skip the first word of the prayer and read the rest. It has some profound wisdom in it, regardless of one’s spiritual beliefs.

It’s known as the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I’ve found the prayer to be both profoundly insightful and concise.

In short, if something is not in your control and you can do absolutely nothing to impact something, accept it, and let it go.

If you can do things to impact the outcome you desire, focus on doing those things, then let go of the rest.

If you’re up for election to partner at McKinsey, all you can do is do good work. After that is done, you don’t control the election. You don’t control how the other partners vote. After you've fully done your part, accept that the rest of the process is out of your control.

This concept of letting things go when you can’t impact them is key to the step-by-step solution I’m about to propose.

The other big concept to introduce is the idea about developing a specific contingency plan for your worst-case scenario.

I credit my friend and colleague Rob Berkley (www.VisionDay.com) for teaching me this wonderful tool.

Here’s the process:

When you’re afraid that some worst-case scenario might happen, assume that it will happen and ask yourself, “What will I do then?”

In most situations, people are so stressed out that they ask the question rhetorically, as in, “OMG... what will I do then?”.

I’m suggesting you ask the question and force yourself to answer. So if the worst case scenario happens, specifically what will you do about it?

If you don’t make partner, get a good GMAT score, pass the interview, get the promotion, or avoid the layoffs, specifically what will you do next?

Force yourself to answer the questions, to come up with a specific step-by-step plan.

In most cases, our imagination runs wild at the mere mention of the worst case scenario. But quite often, if we calm down enough to actually mentally accept the worst case scenario as a possibility, we can think of an action plan that really isn't the end of the world.

For example, if you don’t get a good GMAT score, you could decide that you will simply take it again. Sure it’s not ideal, but it's hardly the end of the world.

If you don’t make partner at McKinsey, you could call one of the 20 headhunters who’ve been chasing you the past 5 years, get a job as VP of Strategy at a Fortune 500 company, and be a top executive at a public company. Sure, it’s not what you wanted as your first choice, but it's hardly poverty.

If you get laid off, you could live off savings, start cutting expenses, move in with your folks if you have to, apply for others jobs. Sure, it may not be ideal, but it's not a total catastrophe either.

So now let's put these two tools together into a step-by-step procedure.

When you are feeling stressed out about a specific situation, here’s what to do:

1) IDENTIFY - the specific fear you have that’s underlying the stress.

2) DEFINE - the worst case scenario.

3) DEVELOP - a specific, step-by-step contingency plan for the worst case scenario.

4) ACCEPT - the worst case scenario and your contingency plan as a possibility. Get comfortable with both (so if it should happen, you won’t feel emotionally blindsided).

5) DETERMINE - what is within your control that can impact the outcome you want.

6) DO - the things that are within your control to do.

7) LET GO - of everything else because it is not within your control (especially true if the final outcome you want is dependent on a 3rd party).

By using this process you will accomplish a few things:

You’ll take action to achieve the outcome you want.

You will pro-actively plan a response to your worst case scenario in advance. This helps to alleviate your fear of the worst case scenario because quite often an open-ended worst case scenario is much more fear-inducing than a worst case scenario where you have a concrete action plan already in place.

A concrete plan has a sense of bounded certainty about it. You know what to expect and can assess it logically. An open-ended worst case scenario can’t be evaluated logically.

As a result, it can only be evaluated emotionally and imaginatively. And let me tell you, any stressed out, freaked out, scared imagination can easily run wild.

Letting go of the rest (the things you cannot control) is important because all of that emotionally-driven fear and stress has no outlet. If you could actually do something to impact the outcome, you could apply that energy productively into taking action. But when your actions have zero correlation to the outcome, taking action is pointless.

Worrying about the outcome is logically equally pointless — but admittedly, this is (at least for me it was) very hard to stop. It takes a lot of practice and self reminders to let go of the things you can’t control.

Here’s an example:

Let's say you are hoping for good weather tomorrow but it’s unclear if the weather will be sunny or rainy. The best you can do is pack an umbrella and some sunblock in your day bag for tomorrow, then ignore the rest. If it rains, use the umbrella. If it’s sunny, use the sunblock.

In either case, don’t waste any life energy “worrying” about the weather. You did your part by doing what was in your control (being prepared for all scenarios).

Now take solace in the fact that there is nothing left for you to do. Let go of the rest.

Whatever happens, happens.

The same applies for case interviews. It’s pointless to stress out about whether or not you will pass the case interview. The final decision is NOT in your control. Take all that fear-motivated energy worrying about whether or not you will pass, and instead put that energy into something you can control... namely learn from those who went before you and PRACTICE A LOT.

If you do that, you will have maximized your chances of passing the case. Whether you actually do or don’t pass the case isn't in your control. Once you do your part, let go of the rest.

Whatever happens, happens.

I’ve found this approach to dealing with stress extremely helpful in my life. When there is no fear, there is no stress.

Let me tell you a life without fear (or at least with a lot less fear) is a truly wonderful life.

So next time you are feeling stressed out, ask yourself these questions:

1) Can I do anything about what I’m stressed out about? If so, do it.

2) Is what I am stressed out about out of my control? If so, what’s the worst that could happen? What’s my concrete contingency plan? Learn to accept the potential outcome and the contingency plan.

3) If I’ve already done everything within my control and I’ve already developed my worst case scenario contingency plan, then everything else is out of my control. Let it go. Just let it go.

Notice that in the 3 questions above, there is no room for fear.

Without fear, there is no stress. It’s not a bad way to live.

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43 comments… add one
  • JW Jun 18, 2014, 2:32 pm

    I really like the step-by-step procedure you’ve put out. Your article definitely has a positive impact on how I approach my life transitioning from academia to consulting/industry, when I’m encountering a lot of uncertainties and facing job interviews once in a while. Thank you so much for sharing your life wisdom, and providing specific action plans.

  • Nishant Jun 18, 2014, 2:39 pm

    I realized this recently as well.

    I might add that thinking through the worst case scenario is hardly being pessimistic. It just happens we have too much of an ego to think through the worst case scenario. Acting out of fear promotes poor decision making and robs you of your own strengths and creativity.

    Victor, this is really well put! I am sharing this with my friends. I hope more people read this, the world would definitely be a better place!

    Nishant

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:24 pm

      Nishant,

      I totally agree. Thinking through the worst case scenario is not pessimistic it’s being realistic or as I prefer being an informed optimist.

      Pessimistic is assuming that ONLY the worst case scenario will happen. Realistic considers that it might. Being optimistically in denial assumes the worst case scenario will NEVER happen. I see the latter with many entrepreneurs who at the first sign of adversity crumble because their world view that the worst case scenario will never happen has been shattered and they are frozen and unable to respond.

      Victor

  • Hiwote Jun 18, 2014, 2:42 pm

    This newsletter succinctly describes what I have been feeling/thinking for a while now. “Fear” is definitely a major cause of chronic, non- physical stress (both in my own life and the lives of most of the people I know), and it is the root cause of why so many of us don’t take action towards the goals that we set for ourselves. I also find it incredibly helpful to know that our brain constantly works to point out the things that are different from our ideal, which leads us into a pattern of fearing anything different from our ideal. Some of your readers might find this article interesting: http://www.funderstanding.com/brain/brain-biology-a-negative-feedback-loop-system/
    I am not affiliated with funderstanding or anything. I had heard of the brain’s negative feedback loop before and thought I would share it with the community.

  • Mark Jun 18, 2014, 3:56 pm

    Good article. Like you i have often lived under intense and long periods of stress, yet somehow been lucky enough not to let it get to me. I could never articulate why, until I heard this speech on TED:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend
    Harder to do that seems, and your good advice would be a great step towards getting there. Enjoy the talk

    Mark

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:24 pm

      Mark,
      Thanks for sharing the video. I will check it out.

      Victor

  • Shalini Jun 18, 2014, 4:01 pm

    Victor,

    I always enjoy your newsletters. I would recommend reading Bhagwat Geeta, a Hindu Scripture. It is said that it has all the wisdom.

    Regards,
    Shalini

  • Brady Jun 18, 2014, 4:54 pm

    Thanks for dissecting this, Victor. I recently wrapped up business school at Darden and took a consulting job with a boutique shop in Bellevue. I also took a look at my student loan debt with Sallie Mae. The number made me shiver. Nonetheless, the notion of a concrete worst-case contingency plan is constructive when thinking about how to best refinance the debt and analyze subsequent lifestyle and professional opportunities.

  • Kartik Jun 18, 2014, 6:44 pm

    Victor, you are as profound as you are eloquent. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I am one of those management consultants who can’t enjoy a day off, a pleasant dinner or a personal hour of lunch one day a week. This incessant pressure, (partially self imposed; rest expectations from unreasonable colleagues) cannot be sustained. I am career focused, I want to be as successful as possible, I have lofty goals but doesn’t mean I can’t follow what you say. Heck, VP, Strategy has started looking more attractive than ever. Thank you

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:28 pm

      Kartik,

      Good luck and I totally get where you are coming from.

      Victor

  • Nichole Jun 18, 2014, 6:46 pm

    Very interesting and true. I’m a sales manager at a 24/7 inbound call center. Whenever an agent of mine gets disappointed for not closing the sale due to a customer not willing to give credit card info over the phone I always tell them to “control your controllables” this way they can easily move on to the next call. They can’t make a potential customer give their info over the phone after they have already lost the customers trust somehow throughout the conversation.

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:29 pm

      Nichole,

      I love the phrase you use “control the controllables”

      Victor

  • Tom Adams Jun 18, 2014, 7:06 pm

    Victor,

    This is such a great post. I love the connection between Stress and Fear. The goal for me is to catch myself experiencing stress so I can move into the seven step process you described. Thanks for another powerful lesson.

    Tom

  • Anirban Basu Jun 18, 2014, 7:37 pm

    Victor,
    Great article, written in a wonderful way. Love it! Keep more coming. Since you talked about fear, let me share one of my own thoughts on that. You have pointed out stress to be the reason of fear. I completely agree. To that I want to add that getting judged is probably the most common root cause of fear in today”s society. Fear of being judged whether in social setting, by family and friend or at work by colleagues, plague today’s world in many cultures. Your step-by-by prescription about handling fear can probably be applied in situations where people start worrying about being judged. Will look forward to your thoughts or a future article on how to handle the worries of getting judged, at work (I am sure you’ve seen this @ McK) or society in general.

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:39 pm

      Anirban,

      I agree that the being judged is a big fear. From Brene Brown’s excellent work I think the underlying judgment is the fear of disconnection. If we are judged and found lacking, the root cause fear is that perhaps others do not want to associate with us anymore. At work, it’s getting fired. In a relationship, it’s fear of getting rejected, etc… In school, it’s fear of being excluded.

      The downside to this approach is one’s sense of emotional peace is dependent on people one doesn’t control. Psychologists call this external locus of control. External forces control you.

      The emotional more stable and resilient approach is to focus not on the judgments of others, but on passing your own judgments of yourself based on your own personal values. This shifts the locus of control to internal.

      Example:

      If you a race and the Olympics and lost the gold medal and ended up with silver. The external locus of control person could very easily interpret that he’s a loser because he didn’t win gold. And in fact, there probably would be many critics who might you could have won gold.

      The internal locus of control person says to himself, my goal was to run faster at the Olympics than I ever have in my life. And at the Olympics this person sets a personal record which happens to be fast enough to win a silver medal. Regardless of the medal, the person achieved her own goal of being the best he could possibly be on that day. Same superficial outcome, very different internal dialog.

      Victor

  • Ms. Worry Wart Jun 18, 2014, 7:46 pm

    Thank you for such a great article – especially for someone like me, who’s MO is to worry, worry, worry! I say plan for when things go wrong and pray they go right. However, now I see that I use that as an excuse to excessively worry in stead of creating an action plan like you state.

    Currently being on my probationary period of my new job, I worry that I’ll get let go at any moment. It is only until today that I thought about the worst case scenario – I get let go – that I realize it isn’t such a big deal. I have enough reserves to live off of well over a year and then some : ) I guess I’m just afraid of being a failure. But I know I’m good at what I do, and if I’m not wanted, then it’s their loss, not mine. Thank you!

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:45 pm

      Ms. “Worry Wart”,

      I think you totally get it. I would add a few other things you could do to proactively have an action plan in case the worst case scenario happens. Be an active member in your professional community. Develop relationships with people at specific companies you would want to work at in case the current position doesn’t work out. In short, have backup options on the sidelines.

      Stated differently, worry less. Go network and build relationships more.

      By the way, most likely your employer is doing the exact same thing. They are keeping tabs on people to hire in case you or someone in your role quits or gets let go. They too are covering THEIR worst case scenario too! No reason you can’t do the same thing.

      Other things you can do, extend your savings from 1 year to 18 or 24 months. TIME can be a great buffer against uncertainty. Most people can bounce back from a setback if they have enough time. If you only have 14 days of savings, well it doesn’t matter how talented you are, that’s going to be pretty nerve racking because the fear of being homeless isn’t theoretical and perceptual, it’s legitimate and it’s imminent.

      Victor

  • VV Jun 18, 2014, 8:16 pm

    Hi Victor,

    Wonderful article once again – and funny enough, I was just reading through your earlier article on Perfection vs Excellence today morning and this piece definitely resonated with me (The 2*2 matrix on type of stress vs. physical/non-physical definitely made me smile) 🙂

    Couple of useful points that I thought would add value to the topic

    1) In order to combat stress and fear, it is very important to recognize and accept the feeling. This may be really difficult especially for high-achievers as their ego certainly tends to get in the way.

    2) For me personally, I have definitely found exercising and meditating as great ways to reduce stress. I recently also read in a book that when we exercise the brain releases chemicals that make us happy and feel healthy. Some of the other factors you mentioned add to your age (For e.g. smoking, binge drinking etc.) may be a direct consequence of the stress that we experience. So, it may actually not be stress taken in isolation but rather the negative spiral that the combination of fear and stress creates that is even more dangerous.

    Best,
    VV

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:47 pm

      VV,

      I agree on both fronts, particularly the first point. One can not combat fear if one denies it’s existence.

      This is true in general. No problem can be solved until the problems existence is accepted as true.

      Victor

  • Prashant Rao Jun 18, 2014, 8:33 pm

    Thanks Victor for analyzing the intimate connection between fear and stress. The Bhagavad Geeta essentially espouses the same remedy – break the linkage of effort to outcome. If one does their duty with no expectation of reward or glory, one is absolved of fear or greed. It is a timeless truth that is extremely hard to apply but very true and liberating when practiced.

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:48 pm

      Prashant,

      So true… Especially the part about it being as timelessly true as it is hard to actually do in practice.

      Victor

  • Bill Jun 18, 2014, 10:47 pm

    Hi Victor,

    Thank you for the amazing article. I really appreciate the practical life skills and important insights you share.

    Bill

  • Henry Jun 18, 2014, 11:22 pm

    Can you elaborate on “7. letting go”? This step seems to be difficult as even though I may have a contingency plan, my thoughts are still preoccupied with fear or not attaining the primary goal. You mention “It takes a lot of practice and self reminders to let go of the things you can’t control.”. How do you do these exactly?

    • Victor Cheng Jun 19, 2014, 5:51 pm

      Henry,

      The short answer: mentally abandon the goal.

      Example: do everything you can to make partner at McKinsey, create your backup plans and take actions on those plans in case you don’t make partner, then emotionally stop caring whether or not you make partner.

      In short disconnect from the outcome of your efforts. Focus on the efforts, and at some level ignore or at least don’t case so much about the outcome.

      Victor

  • Ravindra Jun 18, 2014, 11:25 pm

    A good synthesis. Thanks for the post.
    My Jyotish teacher once said that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. As Shalini said above, Bhagavadgita – specifically Chapter 2 verse 45 has a lot to teach.
    Thanks.
    Ravi

  • Volha Jun 19, 2014, 2:13 am

    When it comes to segmentation, we can’t draw a border between physical and none-physical.
    Because none-physical stress has physical reactions inevitably.
    The main source – is our brain, which reacts in the same way to any kind of stress : by producing hormones and sending signals to our organs to react in a certain way. This is all for the purpose of survival. It is clinically and scientifically proven, that during surgery – the brain throws immense amount of prolactin into the blood stream, at the same time adrenaline is produced by adrenal glands – which makes your vessels shrink, and pancreas increases blood sugar – all that to maximize survival chances, reduce pain, adapt to the new state. When you have an important deadline or presentation or exam – your brain throws prolactin too, and your body goes into the mode of survival. Full effects of prolactin are not yet thoroughly studied. However, many physiological reactions are proven – and they clearly maximize survival chances. This is why mothers of newborns – have strengths to mobilize themselves at any time and rush to the baby, they don’t sleep, they are physically strong and restless.
    It is proven that certain ‘healthy’ amount of stress – improves productivity, strengthens your body and mind and overall – promotes growth in all senses.
    When your body is in the mode of survival ALL THE TIME– this is what’s wearing you out and makes you old. Increased blood sugar, increased blood pressure, lack of sleep (which is also of hormonal nature), increased pulse, and on top of that – mental reactions. In a short term – it increases your concentration and productivity, as your mind and body mobilize all resources as an emergency.
    In a prolonged term – our own body and mind protect us from burning out. Concentration, memory, productivity, efficiency – all fall apart, and your brain puts a ‘hand break’ – you can’t speed even though you press accelerator as much as you can. But you don’t look like you are dying – you look just all right. It is the same a drowning person – never look like they are drowning. They look just okay – seizing air with a mouth, going up above the water and down under the water, not able to shout, not even able to pronounce anything at all, they still breathe, but the water gradually fills the lungs and breaks through into the blood stream, gradually depriving all tissues from oxygen, including the brain tissue. The person can still grab some air with their mouth – but this does not help, as the process of drowning kicked off to pass the critical stage. Unlike drowning, stress has a noble goal – to keep you alive as opposed to kill you. Here is why your brain always makes sure you don’t pass the critical stage of breakeven, after which – the only option is to die. If necessary – to protect you from death, your brain puts unbreakable shield to all none-physical stress factors. This shield is a mental illness.
    It could be any kind of disorder, depending on your personal story, which basically produces drastic changes to your personality – in order to change the way your brain and body reacts. All with one purpose – to survive. You might not realize – how your develop tolerance to certain factors, and become less and less sensitive, until you completely do not feel anything.
    This is slightly the same as the doctor, seeing people dying every day, people in pain, etc. She develops tolerance – to emotionally protect herself, as she need to come home and cook dinner for her family and make new babies with her husband. Or same as policemen, working with cases or horrible murders, rapes etc. – needs to ensure life goes on.
    When we talk about our LIMITS as human beings – I would suppose that avoiding stress is NOT about staying away from limits.
    Here is why.
    Human body and mind have no known limits. In fact, they both are not yet fully studied. But we all know that the way our body and mind function – allows us to survive through impossible and make incredible unbelievable things. The mystery and beauty of biochemistry, physiology and phycology give us a hint that we are built to survive and continue life: throughout ice age, from hunting and gathering times until space-technologies age. In spite of wars, diseases and environmental destructive factors. Mankind is supposed to be surviving, and we can prove this fact by all kinds of studies.
    So, it is not about the limits.
    It is all about knowledge of yourself.
    If you know yourself – you can CHOOSE how to react.
    If you know yourself – you find balance between stress and relaxation. It a bit like yoga, where we spend equal amount of time working out and relaxing. One after the other.
    Consider the amazing example of most vital organ for all creatures – which is a heart. It is beating – ALL THE TIME. And does not burn out. This is all because the muscle spends fair amount of time – relaxing. Even when you are chased by a lion.
    Knowing yourself – means using your mental, physical and spiritual resources in the right place, in the right time and for the right purpose. Not knowing yourself – will inevitably lead to misusing yourself.

    Western world places a great amount of value on achievement. The culture of achievement puts unbearable burden on individuals and leads to increased mental illness.
    Some people call it – Thatcherism , some people call it – selfish capitalism. Mental illness is mostly spread in economically developed, rich and wealthy countries.
    Oliver James on selfishcapitalist.com discusses that overstimulated unrealistic aspirations are pre-requisites of mental illness on a national level.
    The amount of stress, caused by the pressure to achieve , develops toxic psychopaths with no conscience, machiavels, to whom other are but pieces on a chessboard and narcissists with bursting ego and self-love.
    Consider the recent example, where the US teenager kills his classmates.
    This all makes us think – not about the limits of our body and mind, but about the limits and traps, with which we surround ourselves.

  • Guilherme Jun 19, 2014, 7:49 am

    Hi, Victor,

    Going through your thoughts made me realize that I’ve been practicing your “stress control best practices” since long ago, with an additional topic though: you might as well ask yourself if it is worth it changing something you have the power (or means) to change. As a matter of fact, a pointless journey is always very stressful.

    Guilherme

  • josh Jun 19, 2014, 7:52 am

    Dear Victor, love the way you dissected the issue.

    A challenge that remains to be dealt with, is knowing what’s not in our control. In high stakes engagements, most (myself certainly) stress/fear from not preparing enough ..this mostly come from not knowing enough. Would be great to hear how you manage the judgment and balance on when to stop.

    With appreciation,
    Josh

  • Hans Jun 19, 2014, 8:25 am

    What a wonderful post! If only more people would think seriously about this.
    I’ve recently faced a divorce, and now face living half a world away from my children. Before it all ‘hit the fan’ stress (very much in Fear) shaded all my actions. Now, I know I can deal with it, and having seen that life goes on, am able to make the best choices I can at this particular time. Life changes all the time, so do we, and so will our future needs, etc. Without stress we can hear/see what we need and what is necessary at the moment to live happily.
    Great post, thanks for sharing this!

  • varun Jun 19, 2014, 11:05 am

    Great Article Victor !! I am sure it will be helpful to a lot of people.

  • Nick Jun 19, 2014, 12:01 pm

    Hi Victor,

    Nailed it on the head. It is something I also realized somewhat subconsciously, but you put it in words. Stress and Fear are equivalent. So the next question is, where does fear come from. Someone has said, on this forum, that fear comes from the anxiety of being judged. But I would like to delve into a more fundamental cause. Fear comes from materialism. All the instances you stated, becoming a partner at McKinsey, taking a GMAT, etc all arise from a need to make a lot of money. And why. To buy all sorts of gadgets, most of which are meaningless.

    It doesnt take much to survive. Maybe a house, food, clothing, electricity, water, a mobile phone, maybe an internet connection and a few more things. That is it, the rest are all extra. And most of our present societies are affluent enough and productive enough to provide us that.

    But we still want that car, those vacations, that plasma tv, that iphone. Probably that is because we feel we are being judged. But if we take a resolution that we would eliminate the clutter from our lives, we would find that we don’t even need to work. We can life comfortably from our savings and endowments.

    Not to say that I dont advocate working. We need to work, for society to progress. We only need to work with the right frame of mind, that is to contribute something to society and not for petty toys.

    So to put things in context, if we stop bothering about what things we need and how much money we need to make, we would eliminate fear, get rid of stress and have a truly invigorating life.

    • Victor Cheng Jun 24, 2014, 2:02 pm

      Nick,

      I don’t think all fear comes from materialism. It comes from many sources. For many it comes from the desire for approval, validation, or fitting in. If materialism were the source of all fear, then children in junior high and high school would not feel stress. Yet many teenagers do feel quite a lot of stress (of fitting in, of belonging, etc…) well before they start thinking about their long term financial needs.

      Victor

  • Krzysztof Jun 19, 2014, 2:47 pm

    This article hits the nail on its head. It reminds me of Covey’s concept of circle of concern and circle of influence. Victor adds some great recommendations, e.g. preparing contingency plan for the worst case scenario. Now that we know the theory we just need to execute 🙂

    • Victor Cheng Jun 24, 2014, 2:03 pm

      Krzysztof,

      You are so right. I totally forgot about Covey’s distinction between circle of concern vs influence until you mention it. Thanks for the reminder.

      Victor

  • Roscoe Jun 19, 2014, 6:39 pm

    Hi Victor,

    I liked your thoughts on this topic (especially your 2×2 table and the escalation process). It is the classic approach/ distinction between problem-focussed vs. solution-focussed mind-set. A typical concept from (systemic) Coaching.

    And it combines many other interesting thoughts:
    1) How to anticipate getting back on your feet after “falling” and making it therefore less painful
    2) Addressing our ressources/ resilience (no matter what, there is still a solution, or maybe 3 ;))

    One thing I find helpful is to see, how can I worsen the situation. That makes it easier to spot the option, how to
    improve it. Often very powerful to identify the core drivers.

    Again thank you for your insightful thoughts.

  • S'bonelo Jun 23, 2014, 6:28 am

    This was very insightful and made me think a lot. Thank you.

  • Svante Jun 23, 2014, 9:34 am

    Great article Victor! Loved it!

  • Charmaine Pek Jul 1, 2014, 5:17 am

    “There are only two kinds of people in this world – those who are alive and those who are afraid.” -Rachel Naomi Remen.

    Thanks so much for your email. I really admire the way you tackle the root cause of problems each time — truly a problem solver! Your thoughts in the article are simple but powerful. There is freedom when we let go of fears. So, thank you 🙂

    • Victor Cheng Jul 2, 2014, 11:41 am

      Charmaine,

      What a great quote. Thanks for sharing. And thank you for the kind words.

      Victor

  • Grant Hansen Jul 25, 2014, 1:45 am

    Thank’s again for the support and humility Victor.

    There is nothing in the world more refreshing than the feeling you get after facing a fear. Though I don’t think like this 100% of the time, I have the ability to think of fear as a positive force that drives me to do great things.

    For example, I did not look forward to being the toastmaster for this week’s TM meeting. It was my first time and for some reason I was terrified.

    I did however set the right expectation that I would look really nervous and make at least a dozen mistakes. Also, I knew that people would judge me and that there was nothing I could do about it and thus not care.

    The result: I made every possible mistake in the book (got names wrong, took the meeting out of sequence,etc), even in front of the area general who evaluates the group twice a year. Amazingly though, a really nice person came up to me and congratulated me for “surviving” my first major role at the club!

    It was honestly the best I’ve felt all week. I could also look back on this week knowing that I didn’t run away, which not a long time ago would have been the road I’d choose to take.

    There is a wise saying that goes: F%*# Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover.

    -Grant

    • Victor Cheng Jul 29, 2014, 10:34 pm

      Grant,

      As I suspect you discovered, the more you’re willing to face your fears the more you will grow as both a person and a professional.

      -Victor

  • Anis Aug 6, 2014, 11:41 pm

    Very nice article.
    I was working when someone stressed me out. And coincidentally I found this article. Really refresh my mind.

    Thank you!

  • Benjamin Coupe Sep 7, 2014, 2:15 pm

    One must risk failure in order to succeed. If one becomes immune to failure (immune to fearing failure), then the only option available is to succeed. John Wooden once said, “Never let what you can’t control influence what you can control.” That is the key: all you can do is do your best and forget the rest.

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